So What Thoughts Do I Think? Insecurity

I've come to realize something blatant about my life -- I compare. I compare everything from financial knowledge to fitness regimes to disciplining children. I compare body types and hair styles and clothes and beauty. When I walk into a room, I find the prettiest girl there and see if I measure up. If I am "prettier" than her, I am confident and talk to people and am outgoing. If I am not, I shrink into my self-conscious hole.

Why? Why do I do this?

Yesterday at my mom's group, I realized that I have been starting to compare, not only myself but my child now, too. I compare my son's behavior and how it is "so much better" than other children I know. Then I gossip about the "bad" children to make myself feel better. Digging a little deeper, I realized that the only reason I am so strict with my son is because I do not want him to turn into one of those "bad" children. It's not because I love him (well, yes I do, that's obvious). But my main goal in disciplining him is so he doesn't turn out like them.

Why? Why do I do this?

For one, I've been reading about birth order. Being the firstborn has made me a perfectionist. I was a leader and had to make things "perfect" so others could follow suit. I had the pressure to always be the best at the things I was good at. But then I got married and I expected my husband to be perfect. And now I expect my child to be perfect.

I don't know HOW on earth I could be a perfectionist when God clearly says "we all fall short of the glory of God." That's everyone!!! Even me!!! Why then do I hang on the thought that things around me have to be perfect, that I have to be perfect. Because people won't love me if I'm not? Because I will look less than, well, perfect. My secret will be out. I am flawed?

If I really think about it, God already knows all my "secrets." That's why He sent Jesus to die for me. He already knows I'm broken. He knows my husband is broken. He knows my child is broken. He knows my life is broken. So why then do I strive for acceptance and the appearance of a shiny-pure life when what others think don't matter?

I've been reading Psalm 139, which has helped. I also bought the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore and plan to do the Captivating workbook, which I've started by never completed. I hope God will continue to work in me and help me see what He sees. That day will be so freeing!!

So What Thoughts Do I Think? Lust

In an effort to master my thought life, I am going to address the first (and most obvious) thing on my mind these days -- lust.

Now, it's not lust for a person or even necessarily food. It's lust for a house. I want a house so bad. I dream about what it will look like and where it will be. I think of ways to make more money so we can get a bigger down payment. Last night I sat on Realtor.com for about an hour looking at homes and land for sale. I ask my parents who would be a good family member to help us build (because we have multiple construction entrepreneurs as relatives). I've even been watching home makeover/sell this house/buy this house shows to get ideas and inspiration. Why is this wrong?

Because we cannot afford a house right now, which makes it clear God does not want us to have it at this time in our lives, thus making it lustful.

So God, I ask you to reveal the root of why I want a home and how I can stop fueling this rebellious fire.

I want a home because everyone else has one. I want something new. Something I can decorate. Something I can invite people over to and impress with. I want a neighborhood for my son. I want to settle FINALLY.

What is fueling this desire? Well, I think everything I mentioned in the first paragraph. Also, comparing our situation with others and purposely driving past big expensive homes and becoming envious. I think I want to impress people, too, because I feel insecure and need someone to say "wow" to something I have. I want them to want what I have just like I want what they have.

I think I can stop looking at Web sites, stop watching home shows, stop driving past those big homes. That would defuse the desire. However, these roots run deep because it just brought up another issue I often relay through thought -- insecurity. But that's for another day...

Thought-Life Thoughts

We think about 70,000 per day. But between the house, chores, finances, goals, children, meals and marriage, how many of those thoughts honor God? "But it doesn't matter," I say. "It doesn't hurt anyone because no one knows." After all, "The mind is the secret place nobody goes." However, my Creator knows. And when it comes down to it, that fact is both embarrassing and humbling.

For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. Romans 8:5

How on earth did I think I would grow spiritual fruit if I was focusing on things of the flesh? There are 3 categories of thought many women face:

1. Insecurity: Lack of confidence or assurance, not being firmly fixed. It's not finding security in Christ but in the ourselves and the world. It is not firmly fixing ourselves on the Word. This is in direct rebellion to the Lord who says in Psalm 139 how much we are valued.

2. Lust: Wanting something that was not meant for you at that time. This can be material items, food, a lifestyle. It doesn't have to be just about sex.

3. Worry: About 350 times in the Bible it says "do not fear." Also in Matthew 6 God talks about things you don't need to worry about. Worry chokes out the peace the Lord has for you. There is a difference between concern and worry. Concern is an issue we can do something about. "I have a weird mole so I go to the doctor." A worry is what God can take care of that we can't. "I have to have the mole removed and I want to make sure I come out alive." Concerns draws us to God whereas worry draws us away from God.

So how can we set our mind on the Spirit?

1. Pray: Be honest with God and confess your sin. "I've been in rebellion to you Lord. Heal my thought life. Reveal to me the root of these issues -- why I think these thoughts." It helps to write down every bad thought you had that day to further see your rebellion to God and why you need His help.

2. Make a commitment: Allow God to tell you what you need to do to make things right and DO THEM! Get accountability by listing your action items and giving them to trusted individuals.

3. Prepare a defense: Satan will come at you with temptation almost instantly. Be prepared to talk down the devil with the sword of Truth. Insecure? Read Psalm 139. Lustful? Read Psalm 84:10-11. Worrying? Read Phil 4:7.

Family is all that matters

One of the sore spots (obviously) in my life is family. I have many, many relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. When I was younger, we would all spend time together visiting, celebrating birthdays or holidays. But then couples started getting divorced and families started splitting up. My parents started to isolate our immediate family from the chaos by opting out of extended family events and pretty soon, even our intimate family unit started to crumble.

So when I first met my husband, I was drawn into his family. They celebrated holidays, they stopped by each other's homes to visit, they called to "check-in." They were thoughtful, caring, loving, open, vulnerable, humorous and just plain real. I clung to that family as mine started to fall apart.

Now as my family is trying to heal from the past, my mom is encouraging me to reach out to my relatives once again. I was set-aback at first, considering her and my father were the ones who initiated the distance between these relatives so many years ago. Through that time, I had developed a poor attitude, "Those relatives don't care about me. If they had, they would write/call/visit." But I recently came to the realization, "What if they were thinking the same thing about me?" 

As I live this year on purpose, one of my goals is to reach out to my relatives on birthdays and anniversaries -- to not be afraid of how they will react or how we will relate after all this time.

After all, Pastor Rick Warren said, "Our objective is to serve others in love without distractions, being all there, focused on them. Sometimes we serve others simply through our presence."

That's what I want to do.

Do What I Say

I don't know why, but I think ALL of us are guilty of talking ourselves up into being "more" than we really are. For me, I say I'm a Christian but yet gossip and slander and have a negative attitude. I judge and am selfish and care way more about being right than being kind. I say God is my No. 1 priority but don't remember the last time I did an honest Bible study. I say "I'm praying for you" but don't. And even in my non-faith life -- I say I am Crossfit but hate to workout. I say I eat healthy but sneak sweets. I am a hypocrite. We all are.

This year, I intend to be what I say I am. If I say my priorities are God, spouse, children, work then those priorities will be demonstrated in my daily choices. If I say I work out 4 times a week, I will work out 4 times a week. If I say I eat Paleo, then I will eat Paleo.

I get sick to my stomach when I think of how I try to impress people by saying I'm a certain way but really fall short when the doors close and no one is around. I think we all do this because we are ashamed of what we really are -- sinners who fall short. We are afraid people won't like us or think less of us if we show our weaknesses, or lack of being "superhuman."

This all stems from not being secure in who we are in Christ (see previous post). I think as I purposefully seek God in 2011, being more authentic will be easier for me. God will reveal to me how I am perfect the way I am because I am in Christ. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He is the only person's judgement that matters on my life -- and He understands and loves me right where I am.

This is yet another aspect of our year of "Living on Purpose."

Living Life on Purpose

I had a great boss a couple jobs ago who was very spiritual. She knew the ins and outs of many different religions but I do not think she was saved. Nonetheless, one day in December I remember asking her if she had thought about her New Year's resolutions. She said she doesn't have resolutions. Instead, she chooses a theme or concept for the year and tries to focus on that theme, base her decisions on that theme and live life according to that theme. I think she said that year, her theme had been "joy."

So, Tyler and I have been talking about half-efforts on much of the stuff we do. We start books and tasks and talks and never finish. We have lists and to-dos and programs and processes but never follow though. Imagine what we would have done in our lives if we actually finished what we started. So with that being said, we've decided our theme for next year is "Living on Purpose." 

What does that mean?

It means to do things deliberately in order to gain a desired result. To more or less, suck the potential out of every activity or action so we can grow as individuals.

I think about my to-do list of life and how I often rush through the tasks just to finish. "Work out? Check. Spend time with my child? Check. Call my mother? Check." I don't fully engage in the task. I am not present in the task. I don't absorb the potential positive outcome of the task.

Next year, I will look at my to-do list with focus and vigor. I will work out to make myself more fit, flexible and strong -- not just to put in my time. I will read the Bible to actively seek God -- not just to appear more spiritual. I will be fully engaged with my child. I will give 100% effort and focus in whatever I choose to do.

After we decided on our 2011 theme, I got all excited about the things I would be able to do if I had this new mindset -- learn a new language, write a book, get more fit.


But then God really spoke to me. Jesus said, "What good is it if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?" Paul said in one of his letters, "Everything else is worthless when compared to knowing Christ our Lord" or "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added onto you."

I think having the "eternal" mindset will really help me sort out what I SHOULD focus on. Why focus SO MUCH on six-pack abs when we will be given new bodies in Heaven? Why concentrate on learning a new language if we all speak with new tongues in Heaven? Why write a book if my motives are to make money or be famous? By clinging to God through this process, I know I will be better able to weed out the time-wasting goals and focus on what really matters in the long run.

"Where ever your treasure is, there your heart will also be."

Mary Did You Know?

At church today, we learned about the meaning behind "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing." While they showed the lyrics line by line, I just couldn't help but think about Mary and ask myself lots of questions:

1. First she was only about 14. Were women (or girls) that age more mature back then? Did having a baby at that age completely freak her out? Or were her friends also having babies (not immaculately of course)?
2. And through her pregnancy, was it real to her, like "ohmigosh, I'm carrying the Son of God"? Did she try to be "extra careful" so she didn't "hurt" Jesus in-utero? Did she make sure to exercise and eat her veggies? Did she "take it easy"?
3. And when Jesus was finally born, did she feel extra responsiblity to take care of Him? Was it real to her that He was actually God lying there?

Being a mother now, it's still hard to comprehend how Mary must have felt. And when people from ALL OVER the area trekked to see her tiny baby, did it make the whole situation more real to her? The Bible said she hid it all in her heart and thought about it often. I bet it made her so happy. I wonder if she ever felt pride or self-centerednes for being the chosen mother to the Lamb. I mean, she was 1. a teenager and 2. sinful.

Nonetheless, it is so amazing to think about Mary's role in Jesus' birth.

Great song that also asks Mary those "hard" questions.