Abandonment

After only one chapter, I've decided to abandon the study I've started -- A Woman After God's Own Heart. It's not that I think it's dumb. Actually I liked it the first time I read the book. It's that I am involved already in a study at church and I need to cut things out of my life -- extra things that I've created for myself. The self-study is one of them. So, instead I will focus my posts on Mom To Mom: Heart Talk. I think really examining the lessons on the blog will be good for me.

So, with that, let me say that I was behind in the lessons because I started the study late. Yesterday and the day before I watched 3 lessons, mostly about motherhood vs. personhood. Out of those 3 lessons, I was really touched by the concept of self-worth. The lesson talks about how God's view of us should overshadow our doubts and feelings toward ourselves. We were made in His image, we were made because He loved us. He loved us so much that he redeemed us at the cost of His son's life. And He continues to love us by growing us to be the people He wants us to be.

The concept of self-worth really bothers me, basically because I feel I have low self-esteem. Looking back, I had great self-esteem in my childhood. I loved myself. And then the dreaded teen years set in and after great crisis in our family, I somehow let my self-esteem slip away. It was also when I had my second boyfriend that I started putting all my self-worth in what my significant other thought about me. Now, I think I gauge my self-worth based on what my husband thinks about me. Why is that? Maybe because I am afraid he will leave me if I have fat or fail to wear make up or don't dress trendy. Rereading that makes it seem silly. Then I think about my mother. She told me she is afraid Dad will leave her because her dad left her mom. I wonder if that fear has subconsciously rubbed off on me, although I don't ever remember her fear being known when I was a child.

How can I take back that "power" to my own self-worth? The study says by meditating on God's love for us and KNOWING we are truly His child. Then by praying for God to renew our minds and focusing on the Truth of His love. Finally, learning to be patient with the process back to self-worth and self-love.

"God's Truth is the mirror that matters."


I also learned that when you lose yourself in others (serving them, being selfless in your own needs), do you find your self-worth. As I wrote in my previous entry about volunteering, I think this would be just the thing I need. Maybe God could use my service to help me realize what I am in Him.