So What Thoughts Do I Think? Insecurity

I've come to realize something blatant about my life -- I compare. I compare everything from financial knowledge to fitness regimes to disciplining children. I compare body types and hair styles and clothes and beauty. When I walk into a room, I find the prettiest girl there and see if I measure up. If I am "prettier" than her, I am confident and talk to people and am outgoing. If I am not, I shrink into my self-conscious hole.

Why? Why do I do this?

Yesterday at my mom's group, I realized that I have been starting to compare, not only myself but my child now, too. I compare my son's behavior and how it is "so much better" than other children I know. Then I gossip about the "bad" children to make myself feel better. Digging a little deeper, I realized that the only reason I am so strict with my son is because I do not want him to turn into one of those "bad" children. It's not because I love him (well, yes I do, that's obvious). But my main goal in disciplining him is so he doesn't turn out like them.

Why? Why do I do this?

For one, I've been reading about birth order. Being the firstborn has made me a perfectionist. I was a leader and had to make things "perfect" so others could follow suit. I had the pressure to always be the best at the things I was good at. But then I got married and I expected my husband to be perfect. And now I expect my child to be perfect.

I don't know HOW on earth I could be a perfectionist when God clearly says "we all fall short of the glory of God." That's everyone!!! Even me!!! Why then do I hang on the thought that things around me have to be perfect, that I have to be perfect. Because people won't love me if I'm not? Because I will look less than, well, perfect. My secret will be out. I am flawed?

If I really think about it, God already knows all my "secrets." That's why He sent Jesus to die for me. He already knows I'm broken. He knows my husband is broken. He knows my child is broken. He knows my life is broken. So why then do I strive for acceptance and the appearance of a shiny-pure life when what others think don't matter?

I've been reading Psalm 139, which has helped. I also bought the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore and plan to do the Captivating workbook, which I've started by never completed. I hope God will continue to work in me and help me see what He sees. That day will be so freeing!!

So What Thoughts Do I Think? Lust

In an effort to master my thought life, I am going to address the first (and most obvious) thing on my mind these days -- lust.

Now, it's not lust for a person or even necessarily food. It's lust for a house. I want a house so bad. I dream about what it will look like and where it will be. I think of ways to make more money so we can get a bigger down payment. Last night I sat on Realtor.com for about an hour looking at homes and land for sale. I ask my parents who would be a good family member to help us build (because we have multiple construction entrepreneurs as relatives). I've even been watching home makeover/sell this house/buy this house shows to get ideas and inspiration. Why is this wrong?

Because we cannot afford a house right now, which makes it clear God does not want us to have it at this time in our lives, thus making it lustful.

So God, I ask you to reveal the root of why I want a home and how I can stop fueling this rebellious fire.

I want a home because everyone else has one. I want something new. Something I can decorate. Something I can invite people over to and impress with. I want a neighborhood for my son. I want to settle FINALLY.

What is fueling this desire? Well, I think everything I mentioned in the first paragraph. Also, comparing our situation with others and purposely driving past big expensive homes and becoming envious. I think I want to impress people, too, because I feel insecure and need someone to say "wow" to something I have. I want them to want what I have just like I want what they have.

I think I can stop looking at Web sites, stop watching home shows, stop driving past those big homes. That would defuse the desire. However, these roots run deep because it just brought up another issue I often relay through thought -- insecurity. But that's for another day...

Thought-Life Thoughts

We think about 70,000 per day. But between the house, chores, finances, goals, children, meals and marriage, how many of those thoughts honor God? "But it doesn't matter," I say. "It doesn't hurt anyone because no one knows." After all, "The mind is the secret place nobody goes." However, my Creator knows. And when it comes down to it, that fact is both embarrassing and humbling.

For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit. Romans 8:5

How on earth did I think I would grow spiritual fruit if I was focusing on things of the flesh? There are 3 categories of thought many women face:

1. Insecurity: Lack of confidence or assurance, not being firmly fixed. It's not finding security in Christ but in the ourselves and the world. It is not firmly fixing ourselves on the Word. This is in direct rebellion to the Lord who says in Psalm 139 how much we are valued.

2. Lust: Wanting something that was not meant for you at that time. This can be material items, food, a lifestyle. It doesn't have to be just about sex.

3. Worry: About 350 times in the Bible it says "do not fear." Also in Matthew 6 God talks about things you don't need to worry about. Worry chokes out the peace the Lord has for you. There is a difference between concern and worry. Concern is an issue we can do something about. "I have a weird mole so I go to the doctor." A worry is what God can take care of that we can't. "I have to have the mole removed and I want to make sure I come out alive." Concerns draws us to God whereas worry draws us away from God.

So how can we set our mind on the Spirit?

1. Pray: Be honest with God and confess your sin. "I've been in rebellion to you Lord. Heal my thought life. Reveal to me the root of these issues -- why I think these thoughts." It helps to write down every bad thought you had that day to further see your rebellion to God and why you need His help.

2. Make a commitment: Allow God to tell you what you need to do to make things right and DO THEM! Get accountability by listing your action items and giving them to trusted individuals.

3. Prepare a defense: Satan will come at you with temptation almost instantly. Be prepared to talk down the devil with the sword of Truth. Insecure? Read Psalm 139. Lustful? Read Psalm 84:10-11. Worrying? Read Phil 4:7.

Family is all that matters

One of the sore spots (obviously) in my life is family. I have many, many relatives - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. When I was younger, we would all spend time together visiting, celebrating birthdays or holidays. But then couples started getting divorced and families started splitting up. My parents started to isolate our immediate family from the chaos by opting out of extended family events and pretty soon, even our intimate family unit started to crumble.

So when I first met my husband, I was drawn into his family. They celebrated holidays, they stopped by each other's homes to visit, they called to "check-in." They were thoughtful, caring, loving, open, vulnerable, humorous and just plain real. I clung to that family as mine started to fall apart.

Now as my family is trying to heal from the past, my mom is encouraging me to reach out to my relatives once again. I was set-aback at first, considering her and my father were the ones who initiated the distance between these relatives so many years ago. Through that time, I had developed a poor attitude, "Those relatives don't care about me. If they had, they would write/call/visit." But I recently came to the realization, "What if they were thinking the same thing about me?" 

As I live this year on purpose, one of my goals is to reach out to my relatives on birthdays and anniversaries -- to not be afraid of how they will react or how we will relate after all this time.

After all, Pastor Rick Warren said, "Our objective is to serve others in love without distractions, being all there, focused on them. Sometimes we serve others simply through our presence."

That's what I want to do.