Do What I Say

I don't know why, but I think ALL of us are guilty of talking ourselves up into being "more" than we really are. For me, I say I'm a Christian but yet gossip and slander and have a negative attitude. I judge and am selfish and care way more about being right than being kind. I say God is my No. 1 priority but don't remember the last time I did an honest Bible study. I say "I'm praying for you" but don't. And even in my non-faith life -- I say I am Crossfit but hate to workout. I say I eat healthy but sneak sweets. I am a hypocrite. We all are.

This year, I intend to be what I say I am. If I say my priorities are God, spouse, children, work then those priorities will be demonstrated in my daily choices. If I say I work out 4 times a week, I will work out 4 times a week. If I say I eat Paleo, then I will eat Paleo.

I get sick to my stomach when I think of how I try to impress people by saying I'm a certain way but really fall short when the doors close and no one is around. I think we all do this because we are ashamed of what we really are -- sinners who fall short. We are afraid people won't like us or think less of us if we show our weaknesses, or lack of being "superhuman."

This all stems from not being secure in who we are in Christ (see previous post). I think as I purposefully seek God in 2011, being more authentic will be easier for me. God will reveal to me how I am perfect the way I am because I am in Christ. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. He is the only person's judgement that matters on my life -- and He understands and loves me right where I am.

This is yet another aspect of our year of "Living on Purpose."

Living Life on Purpose

I had a great boss a couple jobs ago who was very spiritual. She knew the ins and outs of many different religions but I do not think she was saved. Nonetheless, one day in December I remember asking her if she had thought about her New Year's resolutions. She said she doesn't have resolutions. Instead, she chooses a theme or concept for the year and tries to focus on that theme, base her decisions on that theme and live life according to that theme. I think she said that year, her theme had been "joy."

So, Tyler and I have been talking about half-efforts on much of the stuff we do. We start books and tasks and talks and never finish. We have lists and to-dos and programs and processes but never follow though. Imagine what we would have done in our lives if we actually finished what we started. So with that being said, we've decided our theme for next year is "Living on Purpose." 

What does that mean?

It means to do things deliberately in order to gain a desired result. To more or less, suck the potential out of every activity or action so we can grow as individuals.

I think about my to-do list of life and how I often rush through the tasks just to finish. "Work out? Check. Spend time with my child? Check. Call my mother? Check." I don't fully engage in the task. I am not present in the task. I don't absorb the potential positive outcome of the task.

Next year, I will look at my to-do list with focus and vigor. I will work out to make myself more fit, flexible and strong -- not just to put in my time. I will read the Bible to actively seek God -- not just to appear more spiritual. I will be fully engaged with my child. I will give 100% effort and focus in whatever I choose to do.

After we decided on our 2011 theme, I got all excited about the things I would be able to do if I had this new mindset -- learn a new language, write a book, get more fit.


But then God really spoke to me. Jesus said, "What good is it if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul?" Paul said in one of his letters, "Everything else is worthless when compared to knowing Christ our Lord" or "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added onto you."

I think having the "eternal" mindset will really help me sort out what I SHOULD focus on. Why focus SO MUCH on six-pack abs when we will be given new bodies in Heaven? Why concentrate on learning a new language if we all speak with new tongues in Heaven? Why write a book if my motives are to make money or be famous? By clinging to God through this process, I know I will be better able to weed out the time-wasting goals and focus on what really matters in the long run.

"Where ever your treasure is, there your heart will also be."

Mary Did You Know?

At church today, we learned about the meaning behind "Hark, the Herald Angels Sing." While they showed the lyrics line by line, I just couldn't help but think about Mary and ask myself lots of questions:

1. First she was only about 14. Were women (or girls) that age more mature back then? Did having a baby at that age completely freak her out? Or were her friends also having babies (not immaculately of course)?
2. And through her pregnancy, was it real to her, like "ohmigosh, I'm carrying the Son of God"? Did she try to be "extra careful" so she didn't "hurt" Jesus in-utero? Did she make sure to exercise and eat her veggies? Did she "take it easy"?
3. And when Jesus was finally born, did she feel extra responsiblity to take care of Him? Was it real to her that He was actually God lying there?

Being a mother now, it's still hard to comprehend how Mary must have felt. And when people from ALL OVER the area trekked to see her tiny baby, did it make the whole situation more real to her? The Bible said she hid it all in her heart and thought about it often. I bet it made her so happy. I wonder if she ever felt pride or self-centerednes for being the chosen mother to the Lamb. I mean, she was 1. a teenager and 2. sinful.

Nonetheless, it is so amazing to think about Mary's role in Jesus' birth.

Great song that also asks Mary those "hard" questions.

A Woman's Ministry

For this reason he had to be made like them, [a] fully human in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people. - Hebrews 2:17

Christ was made like us in order to be a service to God. Similarly, we as children of God are to be like Christ -- more specifically, our marriages are to reflect Christ and his relationship to the church. He was a "merciful and faithful high priest." We are called to be the same. But how?

In our moms' group this past week, our speaker dove into what priests did in their ministry in the Old Testament and used their actions as a guide for women today.

1. Priests prepared those close to them for worship. Wives and mothers can do this by initiating prayers, hymns, verse memorization, bible reading and open conversation about the awesome grace of God. Her goal is to make the family focus on Christ's sacrifice.

2. Priests issued blessings. Wives and mothers are in the trenches of everyday life. They can be a blessing to their family by giving just a little bit more than they have to give (with God's unending energy and grace). For instance, a mother completely spent after a busy and exhausting day can still be a blessing to her husband by being in a cheerful mood or meeting a certain request. Blessings force her to look beyond herself and offer a sacrifice to those she serves.

3. Priests taught a ministry of reconciliation. Kids see an average of 7 conflicts daily between parents but often zero reconciliations. Parents start a fight with children present but then solve the problem in another room behind closed doors. When they reappear, the children do not know how their parents got from angry/fighting to smiley and kind. By showing children how to successfully reconcile, it reflects how we, as sinners, are reconciled to God through forgiveness.

4. Priests taught people the law of God. Teaching is best done by action rather than word. Wives and mothers are to be a living example of joy, peace, generosity, etc.

5. Priests prayed. Wives and mothers can intercede for their children and husband. Ask your spouse how you can pray for him and eventually he will ask you the same back. Cover them in prayer every day.

The speaker concluded saying if wives and mothers follow this grand plan of God's, our households -- and marriages -- will stay together.

Operation: One Obstacle

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10

After my previous post about Operation: One, the dam broke. In fact, my mom text messaged me one word: KABOOM. Evidently when I asked Hope if she wanted help cleaning her house, she was obviously hurt, defensive and angry at me and told her husband (I'll call him Silas). Silas called me last night and told me that my parents and I are not to have any contact with him, Hope or their children. We are all "toxic" and disrespectful and he does not want his family to be subject to us. Now, Silas is dealing with demons of his own and has finally come to the realization that his drinking and drug use has attributed to most (if not all) of the damage done to Hope and the children -- which is why the domestic violence probably went on in the first place.

We are not to have any contact with Silas or his family for 2 months. In those 2 months, we are to seek individual counseling for the issues that are making us "toxic" and then we will regroup to see if we can work through everything. At that time, Silas will determine if we are no longer "toxic" for his family and if we can see the children. Silas and Hope are also seeking individual counseling for their own issues.

Satan really does seek to destroy. When I had it in my head (and heart) to dedicate the next year to this family, he made sure it wouldn't happen. He is so obvious, it makes me sick. What he fails to realize is that nothing -- not even he -- can separate me from God and interventional prayer.

For now, I will be seeking counseling for the minor issues I have related to my father. But, other than that, I consider myself a whole, healthy individual, who is far from toxic. But, that's for Silas to decide. And after the 2 months, if the decision is made for complete banishment, it will hurt yes, but "everything works for the good of those who love the Lord."

We must go through the fires to be refined. Thank you God for loving me so much you never give up on me!

Timing

On the inside of a DaySpring calendar my mom sent me are these words:

When the time was right,
the sea parted,
the walls fell down,
the lions went hungry,
the sun stood still,
the waves were calm,
the stone was rolled away,
the clouds were parted,
the Lord decended...
And when the time is right,
the King of Kings will return.

God is never early and He's never late --
He's always right on time and His plan for you is good (Jer. 29:11)

Power of One

“I am only one, but I am one. I can't do everything, but I can do something. The something I ought to do, I can do. And by the grace of God, I will.” - Hale

Christ is the ultimate example of the power of one person. He lived God's will to help the needy, poor and hurting. His example, as well as the story of the Good Samaritan, have really been convicting me of how I am not doing what I can to help those in need. Below I mentioned how I was at first searching for a "cause" to support. I found many organizations overseas. Then God brought my focus domestically to shelters in my own city. However, he really revealed to me yesterday an even closer "cause" in my own family. I am passionate about domestic violence and especially helping children out of it. Then it dawned on me, someone in my own family is struggling with such an issue and these poor children are caught, stuck in the middle. It's amazing how God moved my heart to be a light so "close to home."

Because of this, I was thinking last night of the issues that surround their situation. For so long, so many people they know just overlook them and their problems. People pretend there is nothing wrong. People gloss over the severity of it all. For so long, I did all those things too. However, I can't anymore. God is really tugging on my heart to help. First of all, their home is unfit for children in a sanitary sense. So I thought maybe I could somehow ask if she (let's call her Hope) wanted help taking care of things. Over and over in my mind I prayed, "should I do this? Is this going too far? Am I stepping on her toes? What if she hates me?" But over and over God told me, "pour on the love. You love these children. You pour on the love." So I asked Hope this morning if she would like help. She was hesitant and probably defensive. However she kind of accepted. I still have details to figure out and am praying for God to change her heart to allow this to actually take place. But I think I did the right thing -- the "good samaritan" thing.

I see such a hurting, damaged family who desperatly need to see Jesus. I want to be His hands and feet. So I have decided to commit the next year to them. Based on an idea of my former church, I will dedicate time, effort and support to love on this family. I will show them true Christian love. However, I need to remember to do it God's way, not mine. God is patient. I am not. I don't know how this is going to work or if this will make any sort of difference. Maybe even in my optimistic mood right now, I have hopes of keeping the love all year. But in those "darker" times, I would turn away or give up. I can't. There is too much at stake. I have true faith God can change ANY situation so I hope He will totally use me to help them.

I'm calling this Operation: One and will give you regular updates.

You Want Me to Forgive Him for THAT?

With the recent allegations swarming Brett Favre about infidelity and sexting a former NY Jets employee, I was very curious to see what his wife, Deanna Favre, was feeling and thinking. She just finished writing a new book with a pastor called "Cure for the Chronic Life," which is a how-to spiritual journey through hopelessness. To promote her book, she was on one of those morning shows, where the anchor asked about how she felt toward her husband's allegations. She simply said her faith has always been the crutch she leaned on through hard times and she has faith. Wow.

In MOMs group, we talked about forgiving our husbands. The Bible is big on forgiveness. See a slew of verses here. The one that seems most powerful to me is Matthew 6:14-15. We are to forgive. Period. It doesn't matter what it is, how much it hurt or how it has changed our life -- as Christians we MUST forgive. Now, my husband's wrong-doings are nil in comparison to what Deanna is going through. My husband forgets to take out the trash when he already announced he would. Or he forgets to bring home a much-needed item from work. Or maybe he just makes an ill-comment or acts non-challant. Instead of reacting, God is putting in my heart a desire to forgive. I remember my husband's personality -- the buttons which set him off, the irritations, the gripes, the attitudes. And only when I can walk in his shoes, do I realize he is just a fallen, sinful person like me. Then I can get rid of the expectations of perfection and truly love him.

When we focus so hard on what our husband ISN'T, we fail to see what he IS.

Now, I know in Deanna's case, sometimes forgiveness is a process and she can't just attribute her husband's behavior as the "way he is." But I believe if we are called to do God's will and forgive, God will always soften people's hearts to do so.

Getting into the Kingdom

At church last Sunday, the pastor talked about faith and how we are all going to stand before God and give an account of our lives. For a long time, I thought, "Why would we have to give an account if we are already saved? Shouldn't we just be able to enter?" But, Pastor really opened my eyes to who really will get into Heaven. God will ask what we did with His Son, Jesus. BUT He will also determine the geniunity of our answer by what fruits we've developed because of our relationship with Christ. If we truly accepted Christ as our Savior, then our lives should show it by our actions, which are a result of our fruits, which are a result of our hearts, which are a result of our relationship with Christ. If we truly trust our lives to Christ, we will have faith God will make us like Him.

It really opened my eyes and made me think, "Am I allowing God to change my heart? Do I have fruits of the Spirit?" It makes me kind of afraid because what if I don't? But then again, my job is to "seek ye first the kingdom of God." If I do that, "then it shall be added unto you." Trust God and He does the rest. What a reassuring promise.

Abandonment

After only one chapter, I've decided to abandon the study I've started -- A Woman After God's Own Heart. It's not that I think it's dumb. Actually I liked it the first time I read the book. It's that I am involved already in a study at church and I need to cut things out of my life -- extra things that I've created for myself. The self-study is one of them. So, instead I will focus my posts on Mom To Mom: Heart Talk. I think really examining the lessons on the blog will be good for me.

So, with that, let me say that I was behind in the lessons because I started the study late. Yesterday and the day before I watched 3 lessons, mostly about motherhood vs. personhood. Out of those 3 lessons, I was really touched by the concept of self-worth. The lesson talks about how God's view of us should overshadow our doubts and feelings toward ourselves. We were made in His image, we were made because He loved us. He loved us so much that he redeemed us at the cost of His son's life. And He continues to love us by growing us to be the people He wants us to be.

The concept of self-worth really bothers me, basically because I feel I have low self-esteem. Looking back, I had great self-esteem in my childhood. I loved myself. And then the dreaded teen years set in and after great crisis in our family, I somehow let my self-esteem slip away. It was also when I had my second boyfriend that I started putting all my self-worth in what my significant other thought about me. Now, I think I gauge my self-worth based on what my husband thinks about me. Why is that? Maybe because I am afraid he will leave me if I have fat or fail to wear make up or don't dress trendy. Rereading that makes it seem silly. Then I think about my mother. She told me she is afraid Dad will leave her because her dad left her mom. I wonder if that fear has subconsciously rubbed off on me, although I don't ever remember her fear being known when I was a child.

How can I take back that "power" to my own self-worth? The study says by meditating on God's love for us and KNOWING we are truly His child. Then by praying for God to renew our minds and focusing on the Truth of His love. Finally, learning to be patient with the process back to self-worth and self-love.

"God's Truth is the mirror that matters."


I also learned that when you lose yourself in others (serving them, being selfless in your own needs), do you find your self-worth. As I wrote in my previous entry about volunteering, I think this would be just the thing I need. Maybe God could use my service to help me realize what I am in Him.

A Cause Bigger than Myself

I subscribe to Rick Warren's daily devotionals. Today's was about discovering causes that disturb you to the point where you say "someone should do something about that." These are the causes God wants to help through you.

I thought for a bit and came up with two things that really disturb me: domestic violence and child slavery. I don't know why domestic violence has pulled at my heart the way it does. While my family has a history of such, I never remember being victim to it. However, even as a child, I felt sick when I watched people hitting each other on movies or TV shows. Child slavery hasn't been such a disturbance until I watched the movies Blood Diamond and Taken.

Because of this revelation, I went to a few child slavery Web sites as ideas of raising money, visiting these safety homes, volunteering went swirling through my head. But then I thought about my own backyard. "Grow where you are planted." God put me in this area for a specific reason. Could this be it? While I don't think the U.S. has a local child slavery center or anything, I did look up the women's domestic violence center in the city. I am going to pray about volunteering there -- to see what God wants to do through me.

Is this something He made me for? He will reveal it in his own time. :)

Wizard of Ha's

Yesterday I watched Veggietales: The Wonderful Wizard of Ha's, a story of the protigal son. While it was very entertaining, the story also spoke to me. Most of the time when we read this parable in the Bible, we relate the father to God. However, I think we often fail to relate the protigal son to ourselves. In the Veggietales movie, Darby took his inheritance and headed out toward The Wizard of Ha's -- the funnest amusement park on earth-- even after his father said no. After spending all his money on fun rides and food, he realized the experience was not as "fun" as he had hoped. He ended up lonely, sad and wanting to go back to his father.

It got me thinking. How often do we take the things God has blessed us with and used them for our own enjoyment without concerning the Lord? How often to we squander these blessings and soon realize we are left empty-handed and sad, and have a longing to return to God?

As a parent, yes, it is important to allow your children to make these mistakes -- to find out for themselves the "fun" they are seeking isn't the type of "fun" which brings full enjoyment. However, as children, can't we take heed when we feel the allure of sin? Can't we already know to sin will come at a high price, won't satisfy and we'll end up longing for our Father in the end anyway? It would sure save us heartache.

Chapter 1: A Heart Devoted to God

1. What meant the most to you from this chapter or offered you the greatest challenge or inspired you deeply? 

First, the chapter talked about priorities and how they should be eternal-minded. When I think about my busyness, I am reminded how I need to choose to play/teach/grow my child instead of rushing to sweep the floor, throw in a load of laundry or check my e-mail. Those things don't matter eternally. But, playing with my son lets him know I love him, which may transfer into how God loves him. This decision has more of an eternal impact than if my house is clean. This seems to be my biggest challenge. I know Satan fills my mind with to-do items in an attempt to steal the time away from spending time with my son. I think understanding how obvious Satan is helps me to overcome his ways and seek God's will for raising my son. 

2. The Story of Mary and Martha. I love how the author says Martha was busy doing things FOR the Lord that she failed to spend time WITH Him. I think this is very obvious in people who serve themselves ragged because they think God wants them to be in every activity/event/committee. For me, I don't spend a lot of time with God. So, when I do things FOR Him (bake for neighbors, kind to others, teach son about God), I feel like that's enough. According to this story, it's really not.

Five actions to put "worship" at the top of my to-do list:

a. Take quiet time to breathe, sit outside, enjoy God's creation and rest

b. Schedule time with God on the calendar

c. Get up early before I encounter distractions

d. Classify tasks as eternal v. worldly

e. Use at least one nap time to study God's word

This next week I will set aside quiet time to be with God -- during one nap time or before anyone gets up in the morning. To truly sit apart from any distractions and be focused on God.

3. Can you think of any area of your life where you are consciously settling for "good" when you know that a "better" and a "best" choice is available?

Most things in my life are just "good" because I never really had to work hard to make anything "best" growing up. So now I think I settle. My relationships, my sex life, my exercise and eating habits, organization, taking care of myself -- all are just "good." Instead of making changes to get them "better" or "best," I really believe as I grow closer to God in this study, He will change these items in my life.

4. Name a time this week where you chose God as a priority over something or someone else. 

I had a play date with Joyce but was kind of nervous/annoyed by the time it was (although I planned it myself). I wanted to call and cancel but I decided to go because Joyce was a Christian friend and I knew she was a good friend to have. I felt like I chose God's choice instead of my selfish nature and Satan saying "You don't have to go, you know."


Memory verses: 
Luke 10:42 - But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.
Proverbs 3:6 - In all your ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct your paths.

A Woman After God's Own Heart

I originally picked up this book because the back was very appealing to me.

With warmth and grace, Elizabeth George shares practical, scriptural insights on how you can pursue God's priorities concerning your walk with the Lord, your ministry, your home, your husband, your children. Let God fulfill His greatest desire for you. Allow Him to transform you by preparing your heart and mind to embrace His incredible work.

I want to have that genuine peace and joy that comes from knowing God and trusting Him. There is a glow and warmth from women who have an intimate relationship with their Creator. I want that, too.

And so my first study on this blog will be this book.