I've come to realize something blatant about my life -- I compare. I compare everything from financial knowledge to fitness regimes to disciplining children. I compare body types and hair styles and clothes and beauty. When I walk into a room, I find the prettiest girl there and see if I measure up. If I am "prettier" than her, I am confident and talk to people and am outgoing. If I am not, I shrink into my self-conscious hole.
Why? Why do I do this?
Yesterday at my mom's group, I realized that I have been starting to compare, not only myself but my child now, too. I compare my son's behavior and how it is "so much better" than other children I know. Then I gossip about the "bad" children to make myself feel better. Digging a little deeper, I realized that the only reason I am so strict with my son is because I do not want him to turn into one of those "bad" children. It's not because I love him (well, yes I do, that's obvious). But my main goal in disciplining him is so he doesn't turn out like them.
Why? Why do I do this?
For one, I've been reading about birth order. Being the firstborn has made me a perfectionist. I was a leader and had to make things "perfect" so others could follow suit. I had the pressure to always be the best at the things I was good at. But then I got married and I expected my husband to be perfect. And now I expect my child to be perfect.
I don't know HOW on earth I could be a perfectionist when God clearly says "we all fall short of the glory of God." That's everyone!!! Even me!!! Why then do I hang on the thought that things around me have to be perfect, that I have to be perfect. Because people won't love me if I'm not? Because I will look less than, well, perfect. My secret will be out. I am flawed?
If I really think about it, God already knows all my "secrets." That's why He sent Jesus to die for me. He already knows I'm broken. He knows my husband is broken. He knows my child is broken. He knows my life is broken. So why then do I strive for acceptance and the appearance of a shiny-pure life when what others think don't matter?
I've been reading Psalm 139, which has helped. I also bought the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore and plan to do the Captivating workbook, which I've started by never completed. I hope God will continue to work in me and help me see what He sees. That day will be so freeing!!
